


epistolary

by Anonymous



Series: Lunchstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck, Lunch Club, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Homestuck Fusion, Gen, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:48:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25429426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: By Imperial Mandate, ownership of a physical or digital copy of these records (in common or logographic Alternian) is a cullable offence under the Unlawful Contraband Act 6863 AJ. No lenience will be afforded. May we serve Her Immortal Empire forevermore.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: Lunchstuck [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902661
Comments: 13
Kudos: 36
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

ndrscrmAson [NA]  began trolling  namedNihilist [NN]

NA: _sup_   
NN: HEY BUDDY. NOT MUCH, HONESTLY. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YA?   
NA: _its_lowkey_a_big_ask_  
NA: _but_youre_probably_the_only_one_that_can_help_  
NN: FLATTERY CORRUPTS BOTH THE RECEIVER AND THE GIVER, MASON.  
NA: _who_is_that_troll_ruth_bader_ginsberg_  
NN: MOTHERFUCKER. TROLL EDMUND BURKE, BUT WHATEVER. WHAT NEEDS FI}{ING AT THE RANCH?  
NA: _some_of_the_lusii_got_out_again_  
NA: _the_teal_ones_are_getting_too_smart_for_their_own_good_  
NN: WITH A FRIEND LIKE JOSH, I'M UNSURE HOW E}{ACTLY THAT PARTICULAR LIFE LESSON ESCAPED YOU.  
NN: I ASSUME YOUR FIRST REFLE}{ WAS TO ASK YOUR OL' PAL SCHLATT TO GRACIOUSLY E}{TEND HIS E}{TREMELY TIRING TELEKENISIS TO WRANGLE A FEW CHOLERBEARS. BE STILL MY BEATING BLOODPUSHER.  
NA: _save_it_for_your_matesprit_bulgewipe_  
NA: _but_yes_it_was_so_should_i_expect_you_or_nah_  
NN: OBVIOUSLY. I'M AT YOUR BECK AND CALL, EMPRESS.  
NA: _please_dont_accidentally_commit_treason_when_trolling_me_  
NA: _and_dont_go_saying_that_shit_around_wilbur_either_  
NA: _i_mean_it_  
NN: TROLL CHRIST. AT LEAST THE FISHFUCK CAN TAKE A JOKE, FOR FU}{ SAKE. I'LL BE THERE AS SOON AS DAD WAKES UP.  
NN: YOU CAN PAY ME BACK IN GROVELING THAN}{ AND ALSO BREAKFAST.  
NA: _i_have_grubcakes_  
NN: GRUBCA}{ IT IS.  
NA: _thank_you_it_means_a_lot_  
NA: _for_what_its_worth_i_really_do_hope_were_stationed_together_  
NA: _youre_a_good_guy_  
NN: YEAH, WELL. GOOD GUYS AND SHITBLOODS CAN'T AFFORD TO OVERLAP TOO MUCH. HEAVY IS THE BURDEN OF SUBVERTING EVERYONE'S E}{PECTATIONS WITH EVERY FUCKIN' BREATH.  
NA: _im_serious_we_can_do_freight_or_something_  
NA: _coop_and_wilbur_will_lend_a_prong_surely_  
NN: MASON. STOP IT.  
NN: I HAVE ABOUT AS MUCH CHANCE OF MAKING IT OFFWORLD AS YOUR NE}{T ASSIGNMENT OF CHOLERBEARS.  
NA: _dude_  
NN: I REALLY, REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. SEE YOU IN THE EVENING. HAVE A GOOD DAY.  
NA: _fine_  
NA: _please_message_wilbur_back_before_i_wake_up_and_he_whines_my_auriculars_off_  
NN: DAMN. FINE.  
NN: NOW FUCK OFF TO SLEEP BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.  


ndrscrmAson [NA]  ceased trolling  namedNihilist [NN]


	2. Chapter 2

notSolive [NS]  began trolling  stalefishNelipot [SN]

NS: hi (:3  
SN: <('o')> hey dude <<<  
SN: <('o')> what's up <<<  
NS: surfs up!!  
SN: ><{{{°> shoaly <<<  
NS: (83 surely  
NS: wanted to get ur thoughts on something  
NS: i dunno tho i think it might be stupid now  
NS: (or at least kinda silly)  
SN: <(^_-)> t|\y me lol <<<  
NS: ok  
NS: do you ever like think about accension  
NS: ascension*  
SN: <(._. )> woah <<<  
SN: <(._.)> i mean i guess <<<  
NS: what do you thinkll happen to you  
SN: <('o')> shit buoy i t|\y not to <<<  
SN: <('o')> but, since you asked, i'm su|\e i'll make a bassable senate|\|\o|\ somewhe|\e <<<  
NS: good!!  
NS: thats good yea you would definitely be a good senaterror  
SN: <('u')> dolphinitely? <<<  
NS: thats genunely terrible lolol  
NS: genuinely*  
NS: idk how i feel about the ruffiannihilators tho is my point  
SN: <(•~•)> oh, fuck that <<<  
SN: <(•~• )> no matter what ha|\poons <<<  
NS: cooper  
SN: <(●~●)> no i said fuck that! <<<  
SN: <(●_●)> pike i said befo|\e, i'm gettin you out of it <<<  
SN: <(-_- )> you can be my royally appointed aide or somefin <<<  
NS: cooper  
SN: <(-_-)> don't you coope|\ me t|\avis, i know what i'm doin <<<  
NS: fine  
NS: even if i pretend thats an answer  
NS: (which its NOT)  
NS: what about wilbur  
SN: <(°o°)> nah, that kid of all people doesn't need the kelp <<<  
SN: <('o')> he's high and d|\y except in the lite|\al sense <<<  
SN: <('o' )> soon as they figu|\e out he's the |\eel deal they'll keep him planetside fo|\ su|\e <<<  
NS: bad example then!!  
NS: what abt mason and charlie and schlatt  
NS: you cant save EVERYONE man ):3  
SN: <(-o-)> uh hey dude i do actually fuckin know that <<<  
SN: <(-O-)> in fact you betta believe i am intimately fuckin acquainted with the concept <<<  
SN: <(-_-)> so sue me if i'm feeling a little bit gillty about it all <<<  
NS: im not saying its your fault!!  
SN: <(-O-)> whale it sho|\e seems like it! <<<  
NS: man  
NS: you kno what  
NS: imma go to bed befoar sunrise catches me up here  
NS: (oar like a boat see bc im not mad at you)  
NS: (much /:3)  
SN: <('~')> ok|\ay <<<  
SN: <('u')> apologies fo|\ keepin you up and fo|\ all that dumb postu|\in too <<<  
SN: <(-u-)> zZ have a good day dipshit <<<  
NS: yea yea gd <>

notSolive [NS]  ceased trolling  stalefishNelipot [SN]


	3. Chapter 3

namedNihilist [NN]  began trolling  salineSolution [SS] 

NN: YOU CAN STOP SPAMMING MASON NOW, DIPSHIT.  
NN: WHAT E}{ACTLY DO YOU WANT?  
SS: )-I-| Schlatt! I was beginning to eel worried...  
NN: LIKE FUCK YOU WERE.  
NN: ALSO, I *FEEL* LIKE YOU'RE GETTING LA}{ WITH THE FISH PUNS AGAIN. HEAR ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT FROM COOPER.  
SS: )-I-| In my defence, you're easily baited...  
NN: MOTHERFUCKER.  
SS: )-I-| But I actually did have something to ask...  
SS: )-I-| If you're quite done being culturally insensitive...  
NN: RIGHT. WHAT'S EATING YA? APART FROM YOUR MOM.  
SS: )-I-| She would never. Probably...  
SS: )-I-| I was wondering if you'd be interested in a position in Cod I mean Congress...  
SS: )-I-| I'm going to have a lot to do when everyfin goes down. I need someone I can trust in government who understands politics...  
NN: WILBUR, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. NE}{T YOU'LL SAY CHARLIE CAN BE A SUBJUGGLATOR! I'M RUST. THAT'S TREASON.  
SS: )-I-| Schlattfish, I'm still the Heir. Treason is whatever I say it is...  
NN: I AM FUCKING BEGGING YOU NOT TO MAKE A CATFISH JOKE RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  
SS: )-I-| So I've been thinking about titles. Her Luminous Juvenescence hardly rolls off the tongue...  
NN: NOW THAT IS LITERAL STRAIGHTFORWARD HIGH TREASON. YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE FUN OF THE JUVENESCE, YOU STUPID PRICK.  
SS: )-I-| Water's she going to do, kill me? Ha...  
SS: )-I-| Nah, I want to change shit up. What do you think of the Recrudesce? His Imperial Recrudescence...  
NN: THAN}{, BUT NO THAN}{.  
NN: STOP DODGING WHAT I'M GETTING AT.  
NN: CAN YOU STOP PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE? EVEN TRAVIS DOESN'T DO THIS SHIT, AND EMPRESS KNOWS WHAT HE THIN}{ ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING.  
SS: )-I-| What the Empress knows is less than you think. And anywaves, it won't matter...  
SS: )-I-| Things will be so much betta when I'm Emperor...  
NN: THEY'LL NEVER LET THERE *BE* AN EMPEROR, WILBUR! YOU COULD BEAT HER SO HARD THAT CHUNKS OF IMPERIOUS FISHY BITCH SOAR ACROSS THE FUCKING GALA}{Y, AND STILL BE DEAD THE NE}{T NIGHT. NO MATTER WHAT TED SAYS.  
NN: SO I NEED YOU TO STOP WASTING THE LU}{URY OF THE TIME WE HAVE LEFT ON PUPA'S FIRST FAIRY TALE. IT'S SHITTY AND IT'S CRUEL.  
NN: NOW. ARE WE PLAYING *THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF A MULTIPLAYER FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER CHARACTERISED BY ITS LOVABLE CAST OF PLAYABLE CHARACTERS, UNIQUE ART DIRECTION AND E}{TENSIVELY VARIED MODES OF GAMEPLAY* OR WHAT?  
SS: )-I-| Shore....  
NN: GOOD.  
SS: )-I-| One round of AMFPSCBILCOPCUADAEVMOG2 and then we need to talk about this in person...  
SS: )-I-| We can't keep dancing around it...  
NN: I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY, YOU RICH ASSHOLE.  
SS: )-I-| Then I'll cover transport. Or transstarboard...  
NN: THE FUCK YOU WILL. I'D RATHER WALK THAN HEAR ANOTHER JOKE LIKE THAT. JOIN GENERAL 4.  


namedNihilist [NN]  ceased trolling  salineSolution [SS] 


End file.
